The power of the human mind can be quite incredible and, at times, rather destructive. Any fear that any of us has is borne from any number of things created by the mind - a misperception of risk, irrational thoughts and worries, the constant thought processes that can sometimes spiral out of control. Fear feeds on this and increases as a result.
Anyone who has wasted enough time to read any of my previous posts will know that I am fearful of flying. In 6 hours I will (or at the moment due to be) airborne. BA Cityflyer services from London City to Glasgow. The plane will take off, it will cruise, the nice BA lady will come and bring me my drink, and we will land. All within the space of about 1 hour or so. That this will happen is a virtual certainty (given the statistics). To any rational person, this process is normal and easy. There's little more to it than that which I describe.
Over the last few days, I have been putting on the brave face and have striven to apply techniques, thoughts and processes learnt on a recent Fear of Flying programme. It's been tricky, but I have for the most part kept the evil demons at bay. The feelings of nervousness, or of being trapped in something you cannot get out of.
Until 14 hours ago. Since 5pm last evening, there have been two rather notable meltdowns. Irrational thinking; tears ... many tears; and, in all seriousness, the closest I have ever come to not boarding a flight (it will be so easy to stay a few more stops on the London Underground and board a Glasgow bound train at Euston). All over a 1 hour flight. Sounds pathetic, I'll bet.
A psychologist would probably paint a better picture than me; though I feel like my subconscious and conscious are battling one another. The former trained, over many years, to warn me of flying, to know that I am scared of flying and to remind me of the instances during the process that I fear the most - building them up in my mind. It's as easy to cling to these thought processes as it is to daydream. Just as a snowball running down a hill, gathers both momentum and further snow as it goes downhill, so a mind such as this can - the more it worries, frets, turns things over - increase in fear results and it becomes harder to break the cycle. Just as a snowball reaches the bottom of a hill, bangs into a wall and breaks into many pieces; so have I this morning (metaphorically speaking, of course). My conscious thoughts, however, are aware that I can get on this plane; that I can cope with it - I've done it before. I might be nervous, might not find it completely comfortable, but I will get there.
But to be honest, I think, the upset comes because I expect miracles. Having been on the recent course, I expect myself to be 100% comfortable and happy with boarding a plane and going on a flight. That is unrealistic. Rome wasn't built in a day. The continuing presence of subconscious worries and anxiety has unsettled me and led me to think that - "well I've tried, no progress has been made, let's get a holiday home in Cornwall for the rest of our days". But, of course those thoughts are going to be there. It's been my body's reaction to flying for the last 13 years since I first challenged gravity's forces. I guess the presence of some conscious thoughts, telling me I can do this and can cope (however badly or tentatively) is a sign of some progress. Maybe once the tears are wiped away I will see that. So there's frustration too.
But the thing is. That plane's going to get there either way. There seems little point in stewing for hours over a 1 hour flight over which I have no influence or control (just wish I could tell myself that!). All it does is change or - essentially - put unnecessary pressure on me - to deal with it in a particular way. That plane's going to get to Glasgow either way, whether or not I'm enjoying the ride or gripping the seat or hand of the stranger next to me. Rationally speaking it seems that easy and it's so frustrating that I cannot see it that way.
I want so badly to overcome the fear of flying - hence why I booked this. I want to board a plane as easy as I board my train every morning. But why is something so rationally normal and simple (and safe and comfortable) so difficult and such a challenge. Beats me.
No comments:
Post a Comment