In recent weeks I have been troubled somewhat by this fear of flying. In some respects, recent efforts to tackle and overcome the fear have borne fruit and have shown improvement; in others, I think it hasn't helped at all. Indeed, sometimes I notice that things are (in some aspects) worse than before. This leaves me feeling rather frustrated.
A few weeks back, we flew to Dublin. A mere 300 miles away; we spent more time at the airport than in the air. For the flight out, though putting the 'brave face on' when we first got to the airport, this soon cracked (and by cracked, I mean shattered completely). In truth, I don't recall ever being so bad upon boarding an aeroplane - led to the gate and onto the plane in a state of absolute hysteria, I could feel my feet actually dragging and holding me back. Indeed, I got out of the queue to board about 3 or 4 times, insisting that I wanted to go home. Once aboard, I did my usual calming and relaxing routine. It worked inasmuch as it does, I got to a state of relative relaxation, pretended to read my book as normal and drank the free drinks that the dear people of Aer Lingus brought my way.
The return experience was somewhat better. I promised myself beforehand that I would hold it together at the airport (in chief, because I knew that Theresa did not deserve to go through the previous performance again). And generally, thanks to LOTS of deep breathing, I kept it together (the knees weakened as we descended the escalator by the gates and the planes came into view), something that is infinitely easier when you know you'll be back on the ground in an hour. The flight itself was bumpy in places, and not so relaxed; but it got there.
Over the past 12 months, I have flown 7 times (though that equates to about 8 hours in the air), been on a fear of flying course, and a number of sessions of hypnotherapy. I'd like to think that each has helped in their own way. I used to get nervous going through security; now it's just another part of an increasingly familiar process. I'm generally more relaxed on board than I have been before. And I understand (I think) what it is that makes me fearful. What is not getting easier (and is perhaps getting worse) is the pre-flight experience and it is this that is central to my fear.
I am an anxious person. I've had problems with anxiety in the past and am a 'pro' at 'what if' worries. In some way, I think this anxiety is a part of my fear of flying, particularly anticipatory anxiety (this is where you fear a particular event or consequence arising and is a typical trait of a 'what if' worrier). The problem with anticipatory anxiety and flying, though, is that it effectively becomes tautologous: the worry is: 'what if I have to get on a plane (an environment I dislike and that makes me panic) and sit in a tin can, 6 miles in the air'; and the consequence is ... well, just that. The result is a snowball of worry and panic that builds and builds.
At the heart of my fear is a number of things: I fear and cannot cope with the thought of being 'suspended' 6 miles up in the air, with all that space underneath the plane; I don't like being trapped and not being able to get off; I don't like the height; and combine that with someone who's a pro at fearing the unknown, you have someone who catastrophizes massively - plays out terrifying scenarios and possibilities on the basis of the above. (In my mind, there's a lot that can happen to a plane at 30,000ft and 'resting smoothly on the air' is only one of them).
At this point, lots of people usually pull out the statistics, thinking they're helping and putting me at ease. Don't bother. Calming a fearful flyer by telling them they're more likely to perish in the car en route to the airport is a bit like calming an arachnophobe by telling them that spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them.
The anxiety often starts weeks before a flight and builds and builds, climaxing on boarding. The more you worry, the worse the worry gets (especially when it's something you have to face); and your mind seems to think that constantly thinking and mentally panicking about an event is the way to deal with it. I need to get to a point where I can control and even break the patterns of constant thinking and worry that precede a flight and make it such an ordeal. Efforts over the last year have helped me to understand the anxiety, to confront and acknowledge the various thoughts. But stopping the worrying and the negative thinking seems to be extremely hard in practice. Indeed, going through the various measures designed to ease the fear have put pressure on me to 'be better'. Pressure only makes it worse.
In short, I'm frustrated. I feel I'm almost at a point where I cannot do any more - it feels like it's out of my hands. I posted on Facebook (in a moment of irrationality) at the airport, en route to Dublin that I was 'Never Flying Again'. This is the first time in the last year I've even thought that. The courage has worn a bit thin recently and I did wonder (re: the Dublin trip) how many more times I can really put myself through the process.
I want to. I want, so badly, to be 'OK' with flying (not even a good flyer - just not paralyzed with fear). I want to see New York City; I want to go with Theresa to 'Disney'; I want to be able to go on carefree (not panic stricken) weekend breaks to Europe; I want to be able to show my kids the world (when they come along ...). I'm frustrated because I want to be OK, but I don't feel that I can make that choice. I'm not a wimp (I hope), I'm not a wuss; but I do feel that I've almost done as much as I can.
I'm not giving up, yet (I think). I understand my fear and want to beat it. Long haul flights are definitely a thing for the distant future; that's for sure. But if I can make the short flights easier then the pieces will gradually fall into place. It's just frustrating and demoralizing that I've not yet found a way.
Too bad I get sea sick.
Thursday 12 February 2015
Friday 9 January 2015
Hypnotherapy and the fear of flying
I'll come straight out with it - the notion of hypnosis and hypnotherapy used to render me sceptical. I thought it was, to be frank, a load of rubbish. I thought I knew what it was and I was quite comfortable with the view that the hypnotiser didn't REALLY have control over the hypnotee's subconscious and any thoughts or actions stemming from that alleged control.
I have, however, over the last 3 months, enjoyed a few sessions of hypnotherapy to tackle this fear of flying.
As the past year has ticked by, I have become increasingly aware of the precise nature of my fear and its various aspects. The Virgin Atlantic Flying without Fear course helped me tackle more conscious concerns with the concept and helped me learn how to relax on board a flight, putting my mind at ease as regards how the plane works. The experience surrounding my excursion to Glasgow in September, however, made me realise that there was an inherent, subconscious anxiety at the heart of the fear. It was, to be exact, the thought of being at 35,000ft, in a tin can, that scared me; the thought of 6 miles of 'thin air' being seemingly responsible for my well being rendered me terrified. Hypnotherapy was recommended; so keen and determined (as I was in 2014) to tackle the fear, I gave it a go.
Hypnotherapy is not as initially (and mistakenly) believed and I will put my hand up now to revoke the previously formed view. TV 'magicians' are perhaps partly responsible for the common misunderstanding that gives rise to the view set out above; it is not about a hypnotiser 'taking control' of one's thoughts and actions. I learned pretty quickly that hypnotherapy is a state of (deep?) relaxation, where the mind is cleared of all the busy day-to-day goings on, and where it can be engaged - on a subconscious level - with another level of communication.
The first couple of sessions were used to learn about the fear, to explore where it came from and to confront some of the specific aspects of flying that have scared me, changing my perception of them. Apparently, my fear of flying stems from the fear of heights with which I grew up - images of my five year-old self on a cliff top, afraid of 'the drop' were conjured in my mind; and it seems that going through security and boarding an aircraft are the most fearsome (points of no return?).
It is the last session, however, that - I feel, cracked the nut. This came in two parts:
I've often said that, with my fear of flying, I feel a battle between my conscious, rationale self (that understands the statistics, wants to live a little, and wants to enjoy flying), and my subconscious, fearful self that has given rise to the fear. Well, last night, those two aspects were confronted and their differences mediated. I'm not going to go into detail, partly because you'll probably think me crazy, however, the protective part of my brain has perhaps been trying a little too hard to look after me, giving rise to anxiety and, in this case, fear. Through hypnotherapy, I was invited and able to understand and accept the need to 'let go' a bit, face up to the fact that life is full of uncertainties and 'unknowns', that I need to 'let go' of being over-protective and realise that I'm quite capable of looking after myself, without irrational anxieties seeking to do that for me. Indeed, take an anxious mind out of the equation, and you have more rational, sensible mental faculties, capable of being careful.
Quite simply, I should trust myself (and others where relevant and necessary) - thus letting go of the uncertainties and letting things just happen as they should; and in return, I should not be over-protective and press the panic button.
The second part of the session discussed how I might practice this - simply, through relaxation, breathing, positive thinking, trusting myself (and others where relevant), and 'being present' (i.e. not getting caught up in one's own thoughts and worries, away from the calmness of the present moment). Practicing this will reduce the anxiety and rationalise calmly any worries, waiting to be dispelled and dismissed. I don't have to be the perfect flyer, I just want to be a calm one.
I'm sure reading this has firmed in your mind the view that I have gone completely crazy (what is he on about?!), however, I do feel that progress has been made - like never before. I feel, finally, that we've unpacked the fear of flying, got right to the heart, and confronted the imbalance on which it rested (note the past tense ;-)). I am perhaps slightly unsure of whether it's worked, I keep trying to reassure myself that it has and will work when the time comes, and that I need to practice the right frame of mind. But I do feel different - I just looked out of my office window at a plane descending on its approach to Heathrow. I understood and believed that being on a plane (such as that one) was completely and utterly safe, in the hands of trained experts. Hell, I even wanted for a moment to be on that plane, admiring the views of London from the skies above. Last night, shortly after returning from the session, I looked in the mirror and, for some reason, beamed and clenched my fist in a gesture of victory. Nailed it.
A fortnight today we fly to Dublin for the weekend. The thing I'm worrying about the most is how many jumpers to take.
Hypnotherapy is not as initially (and mistakenly) believed and I will put my hand up now to revoke the previously formed view. TV 'magicians' are perhaps partly responsible for the common misunderstanding that gives rise to the view set out above; it is not about a hypnotiser 'taking control' of one's thoughts and actions. I learned pretty quickly that hypnotherapy is a state of (deep?) relaxation, where the mind is cleared of all the busy day-to-day goings on, and where it can be engaged - on a subconscious level - with another level of communication.
The first couple of sessions were used to learn about the fear, to explore where it came from and to confront some of the specific aspects of flying that have scared me, changing my perception of them. Apparently, my fear of flying stems from the fear of heights with which I grew up - images of my five year-old self on a cliff top, afraid of 'the drop' were conjured in my mind; and it seems that going through security and boarding an aircraft are the most fearsome (points of no return?).
It is the last session, however, that - I feel, cracked the nut. This came in two parts:
I've often said that, with my fear of flying, I feel a battle between my conscious, rationale self (that understands the statistics, wants to live a little, and wants to enjoy flying), and my subconscious, fearful self that has given rise to the fear. Well, last night, those two aspects were confronted and their differences mediated. I'm not going to go into detail, partly because you'll probably think me crazy, however, the protective part of my brain has perhaps been trying a little too hard to look after me, giving rise to anxiety and, in this case, fear. Through hypnotherapy, I was invited and able to understand and accept the need to 'let go' a bit, face up to the fact that life is full of uncertainties and 'unknowns', that I need to 'let go' of being over-protective and realise that I'm quite capable of looking after myself, without irrational anxieties seeking to do that for me. Indeed, take an anxious mind out of the equation, and you have more rational, sensible mental faculties, capable of being careful.
Quite simply, I should trust myself (and others where relevant and necessary) - thus letting go of the uncertainties and letting things just happen as they should; and in return, I should not be over-protective and press the panic button.
The second part of the session discussed how I might practice this - simply, through relaxation, breathing, positive thinking, trusting myself (and others where relevant), and 'being present' (i.e. not getting caught up in one's own thoughts and worries, away from the calmness of the present moment). Practicing this will reduce the anxiety and rationalise calmly any worries, waiting to be dispelled and dismissed. I don't have to be the perfect flyer, I just want to be a calm one.
I'm sure reading this has firmed in your mind the view that I have gone completely crazy (what is he on about?!), however, I do feel that progress has been made - like never before. I feel, finally, that we've unpacked the fear of flying, got right to the heart, and confronted the imbalance on which it rested (note the past tense ;-)). I am perhaps slightly unsure of whether it's worked, I keep trying to reassure myself that it has and will work when the time comes, and that I need to practice the right frame of mind. But I do feel different - I just looked out of my office window at a plane descending on its approach to Heathrow. I understood and believed that being on a plane (such as that one) was completely and utterly safe, in the hands of trained experts. Hell, I even wanted for a moment to be on that plane, admiring the views of London from the skies above. Last night, shortly after returning from the session, I looked in the mirror and, for some reason, beamed and clenched my fist in a gesture of victory. Nailed it.
A fortnight today we fly to Dublin for the weekend. The thing I'm worrying about the most is how many jumpers to take.
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