In recent weeks I have been troubled somewhat by this fear of flying. In some respects, recent efforts to tackle and overcome the fear have borne fruit and have shown improvement; in others, I think it hasn't helped at all. Indeed, sometimes I notice that things are (in some aspects) worse than before. This leaves me feeling rather frustrated.
A few weeks back, we flew to Dublin. A mere 300 miles away; we spent more time at the airport than in the air. For the flight out, though putting the 'brave face on' when we first got to the airport, this soon cracked (and by cracked, I mean shattered completely). In truth, I don't recall ever being so bad upon boarding an aeroplane - led to the gate and onto the plane in a state of absolute hysteria, I could feel my feet actually dragging and holding me back. Indeed, I got out of the queue to board about 3 or 4 times, insisting that I wanted to go home. Once aboard, I did my usual calming and relaxing routine. It worked inasmuch as it does, I got to a state of relative relaxation, pretended to read my book as normal and drank the free drinks that the dear people of Aer Lingus brought my way.
The return experience was somewhat better. I promised myself beforehand that I would hold it together at the airport (in chief, because I knew that Theresa did not deserve to go through the previous performance again). And generally, thanks to LOTS of deep breathing, I kept it together (the knees weakened as we descended the escalator by the gates and the planes came into view), something that is infinitely easier when you know you'll be back on the ground in an hour. The flight itself was bumpy in places, and not so relaxed; but it got there.
Over the past 12 months, I have flown 7 times (though that equates to about 8 hours in the air), been on a fear of flying course, and a number of sessions of hypnotherapy. I'd like to think that each has helped in their own way. I used to get nervous going through security; now it's just another part of an increasingly familiar process. I'm generally more relaxed on board than I have been before. And I understand (I think) what it is that makes me fearful. What is not getting easier (and is perhaps getting worse) is the pre-flight experience and it is this that is central to my fear.
I am an anxious person. I've had problems with anxiety in the past and am a 'pro' at 'what if' worries. In some way, I think this anxiety is a part of my fear of flying, particularly anticipatory anxiety (this is where you fear a particular event or consequence arising and is a typical trait of a 'what if' worrier). The problem with anticipatory anxiety and flying, though, is that it effectively becomes tautologous: the worry is: 'what if I have to get on a plane (an environment I dislike and that makes me panic) and sit in a tin can, 6 miles in the air'; and the consequence is ... well, just that. The result is a snowball of worry and panic that builds and builds.
At the heart of my fear is a number of things: I fear and cannot cope with the thought of being 'suspended' 6 miles up in the air, with all that space underneath the plane; I don't like being trapped and not being able to get off; I don't like the height; and combine that with someone who's a pro at fearing the unknown, you have someone who catastrophizes massively - plays out terrifying scenarios and possibilities on the basis of the above. (In my mind, there's a lot that can happen to a plane at 30,000ft and 'resting smoothly on the air' is only one of them).
At this point, lots of people usually pull out the statistics, thinking they're helping and putting me at ease. Don't bother. Calming a fearful flyer by telling them they're more likely to perish in the car en route to the airport is a bit like calming an arachnophobe by telling them that spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them.
The anxiety often starts weeks before a flight and builds and builds, climaxing on boarding. The more you worry, the worse the worry gets (especially when it's something you have to face); and your mind seems to think that constantly thinking and mentally panicking about an event is the way to deal with it. I need to get to a point where I can control and even break the patterns of constant thinking and worry that precede a flight and make it such an ordeal. Efforts over the last year have helped me to understand the anxiety, to confront and acknowledge the various thoughts. But stopping the worrying and the negative thinking seems to be extremely hard in practice. Indeed, going through the various measures designed to ease the fear have put pressure on me to 'be better'. Pressure only makes it worse.
In short, I'm frustrated. I feel I'm almost at a point where I cannot do any more - it feels like it's out of my hands. I posted on Facebook (in a moment of irrationality) at the airport, en route to Dublin that I was 'Never Flying Again'. This is the first time in the last year I've even thought that. The courage has worn a bit thin recently and I did wonder (re: the Dublin trip) how many more times I can really put myself through the process.
I want to. I want, so badly, to be 'OK' with flying (not even a good flyer - just not paralyzed with fear). I want to see New York City; I want to go with Theresa to 'Disney'; I want to be able to go on carefree (not panic stricken) weekend breaks to Europe; I want to be able to show my kids the world (when they come along ...). I'm frustrated because I want to be OK, but I don't feel that I can make that choice. I'm not a wimp (I hope), I'm not a wuss; but I do feel that I've almost done as much as I can.
I'm not giving up, yet (I think). I understand my fear and want to beat it. Long haul flights are definitely a thing for the distant future; that's for sure. But if I can make the short flights easier then the pieces will gradually fall into place. It's just frustrating and demoralizing that I've not yet found a way.
Too bad I get sea sick.
